Monday, August 31, 2009

I can see clearly now....

Whew....that was rough. Anyone who says that post partum depression is not real has no idea what they are talking about. It is very real and very difficult. My first 2 weeks home were okay other than the lack of sleep and getting adjusted. Then it hit me...I had a knot in the pit of my stomach from morning till night. I had no appetite and could not fall asleep to save my life. I have no doubt that the lack of sleep made things 100 times sleep will really screw with your head. I was probably getting an hour of sleep a day for 5 weeks. My mind would not let me fall asleep....I felt like I was living in a bad dream, nothing felt right or comforting. My house felt strange, I felt different, public places felt like another world. I would leave the house alone and panic to get home...I felt dread wherever I went...I felt like someone had died, that's how bad I felt. Maybe it was the old Amy who had died and I couldn't grasp that concept....couldn't adjust to the new Amy, the Amy who was responsible for 2 little boys, the Amy who would never have her much needed quiet time, the Amy who used to sleep 10 hours a day. I would look around at everyone and wonder if they had ever felt this way....wondered if they had a hard time. Luckily, one of the few things that gave me comfort was holding the boys.

I felt awful. I felt like I was out of my mind. I felt guilty. Here is something I wanted so badly...something I tried for for 6 years and now here I was feeling dread. How dare I?? But I had no control over it. I cried everyday...felt hopeless. Thank God for my husband who was 100% understanding and who took the reins and cared for those boys when I couldn't deal. No doubt they bonded to him first...the patience that man has is amazing. When both the boys would be screaming and I would be crying he was rocking and calmly talking. I have never seen a more hands on dad...ever.

Well, everyone said it would get better with time (thanks again to those who encouraged me in the blog world). It did get better...with time and Zoloft!! Thank God for Zoloft...and ambien!! Slowly things began to get more routine and my new life became "normal". I finally started to sleep and then my whole world changed. The rain was gone. I was enjoying my boys and being a mom.

The boys are now 11 weeks old and they make me smile everyday...they also make me exhausted, make my blood pressure rise, make me panic with worry for them...but I smile everyday. They too are smiling everyday which makes me melt. They are turning into people...not little fleshy blobs!! They slept 7 hours one night..but they are now back to about 5, but we are making progress. I can't wait for them to interact with be excited about things.

So, that's my story. I hope it may bring comfort to someone else who is feeling depression. I am a firm believer in misery loves's nice to know you are not alone..nice to know you are not crazy.