Monday, August 31, 2009

I can see clearly now....

Whew....that was rough. Anyone who says that post partum depression is not real has no idea what they are talking about. It is very real and very difficult. My first 2 weeks home were okay other than the lack of sleep and getting adjusted. Then it hit me...I had a knot in the pit of my stomach from morning till night. I had no appetite and could not fall asleep to save my life. I have no doubt that the lack of sleep made things 100 times sleep will really screw with your head. I was probably getting an hour of sleep a day for 5 weeks. My mind would not let me fall asleep....I felt like I was living in a bad dream, nothing felt right or comforting. My house felt strange, I felt different, public places felt like another world. I would leave the house alone and panic to get home...I felt dread wherever I went...I felt like someone had died, that's how bad I felt. Maybe it was the old Amy who had died and I couldn't grasp that concept....couldn't adjust to the new Amy, the Amy who was responsible for 2 little boys, the Amy who would never have her much needed quiet time, the Amy who used to sleep 10 hours a day. I would look around at everyone and wonder if they had ever felt this way....wondered if they had a hard time. Luckily, one of the few things that gave me comfort was holding the boys.

I felt awful. I felt like I was out of my mind. I felt guilty. Here is something I wanted so badly...something I tried for for 6 years and now here I was feeling dread. How dare I?? But I had no control over it. I cried everyday...felt hopeless. Thank God for my husband who was 100% understanding and who took the reins and cared for those boys when I couldn't deal. No doubt they bonded to him first...the patience that man has is amazing. When both the boys would be screaming and I would be crying he was rocking and calmly talking. I have never seen a more hands on dad...ever.

Well, everyone said it would get better with time (thanks again to those who encouraged me in the blog world). It did get better...with time and Zoloft!! Thank God for Zoloft...and ambien!! Slowly things began to get more routine and my new life became "normal". I finally started to sleep and then my whole world changed. The rain was gone. I was enjoying my boys and being a mom.

The boys are now 11 weeks old and they make me smile everyday...they also make me exhausted, make my blood pressure rise, make me panic with worry for them...but I smile everyday. They too are smiling everyday which makes me melt. They are turning into people...not little fleshy blobs!! They slept 7 hours one night..but they are now back to about 5, but we are making progress. I can't wait for them to interact with be excited about things.

So, that's my story. I hope it may bring comfort to someone else who is feeling depression. I am a firm believer in misery loves's nice to know you are not alone..nice to know you are not crazy.



Blogger Amy B said...

I am so glad that you are feeling better!! What a beautiful family you are! I love the pic of them looking up at you! So sweet. You may not want to share but I am dying to know their names!! I am on Facebook if you feel more comfortable with that but if not I understand. Take care and enjoy those boys!!

September 1, 2009 at 10:11 AM  
Blogger Adriane said...

I am so glad to see an update from you. I was really, really hoping things were better by now, but sometimes it takes a while. PPD is the freaking worst. I'm so glad you made it to the other side. I can sympathize with your entire post - I felt exactly like that. Your hubby sounds like a wondeful man!

Your boys are just adorable. 11 weeks is fabulous!! I think Gab started sleeping through the night at that point (8-9 hours). Yay - you're almost there!!!

September 1, 2009 at 1:27 PM  
Blogger Renee said...

YAY! I am so happy to hear things are better. Thank you for writing this. I want my husband to read it just in case I'm there in a couple of weeks. Also thank you for your message. I will definitly be e-mailing you! The pictures are great, and your boys are adorable!

September 2, 2009 at 7:41 PM  
Blogger Beth said...

I'm so glad you're feeling better. Your boys are absolutely beautiful! Enjoy this time with them, it goes by so quickly.

September 2, 2009 at 8:09 PM  
Blogger Heidi said...

I agree with all the other comments, so glad you are feeling better.
It's great to see pictures. Your babes are very cute and you look fabulous as well.

September 4, 2009 at 9:05 AM  
Blogger Deanna said...

I found your blog through a comment on Missy's (Two Little Monkeys), and just had to say hi! I am an Alabama mama to 5-month old twin girls, and I can totally sympathize with your experience since they were born. I guess you already know, but it does get much, much better!! Cute boys!

September 4, 2009 at 1:27 PM  
Blogger Missy (Two Little Monkeys) said...

Hi Amy! Sorry I am so delayed in visiting your blog and leaving you a comment.
Your little boys are adorable! So sorry you have been battling with PPD but I am so glad you are feeling better!!! I loved reading your blog! And a big Roll Tide to you!!!!!
Thanks for visiting my blog and please come back again soon! I love meeting other Moms to Multiples

September 6, 2009 at 6:49 AM  
Blogger Megan said...

Thanks, I like to think my kids are gorgeous! :) And look at your boys!! TWINS! How wonderful and lucky are you! Twice the blessings at once!! And I wanted to say, I feel for you with the ppd! I went through it with my first, but didnt want to admit that was what it was. I can tear you apart, FINALLY (thank heavens) my hubby MADE me take "happy pills" when I started talking about wanting my life to be over... yeah it was that bad! SO I KNOW WHAT YOU WENT THROUGH! I am soooooo glad you are doing better!! :) Come back again, I'll be back to yours!

October 25, 2009 at 1:06 AM  

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